Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Blog therapy

I am sad today. So I thought I'd retire to the balcony for some fresh air and therapeutic blogging. It's a little chillier than I expected, so I may soon retire inside for some fresh air and therapeutic blogging.

If I have the energy, I'll make two posts today, one sad and one happy. This is the sad one. You can go on to the next one, I won't be offended.

It's a singular experience to feel like you've fallen through the cracks of the medical system. I am still suffering from an uninerrupted bout of the malaise I was bewailing in Detroit (for those of you doing the math, it's been over a month I've been feeling like this). The doctor found a virus with few links to my symptoms. The more I try to research it the more confused I get. There is no cure and few (highly-debated and highly variable) treatments. Most of the medical community doesn't even believe the disease exists in this supposed form. Most infectious disease specialists won't see me, and the one internationally-acclaimed specialist who might help wants a $500 to see me before Sept 29. I've missed so much work I worry about the stability of my job and HR still doesn't know how to handle my case. I spend most of my time in bed and am lonely. I had to drop out of choir this season. If one more person tells me to eat better (or the same person tells me one more time) I will politely jump off a bridge.

I know people have suffered much worse than this, and for much longer. I'm trying to keep a positive outlook, but it's difficult. I won't die, but don't know what to do, what to expect from the doctor and if it will be covered by insurance, or when I'll feel better and for how long, and that's a serious weight on my shoulders. I'm glad I have friends who love me.

As you will see in my next post, I had a visitor this weekend. It was planned before I knew my illness was long-term, and I went through with it because I wanted to see him and hoped some good company and fun times would cheer me up. Cheer me up it did, but it was also taxing on my system. We went slowly and took frequent breaks, but I got sicker and sicker until by Sunday I was hardly functional, nauseated, and in serious pain. So don't be confused at the apparent conflict between that story and this.

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